Celebrating 14 years of Chapman

14 years ago today....my sweet little Chapman made our family complete.

I knew after we lost Elijah, that my heart couldn't take much more.

Through a very tender, sick, volatile, fragile pregnancy, many times, I prayed to God...if *you* think we are finished...then we can be finished...but please let this little guy make it!

And He did.

And this cute little personality-filled kid was a fighter, and wow! I'm glad he was!

Someone was telling me this morning at church "wow...he is just SO much like Scott"

and it hit me.

It all came rushing back.

The sweetest memory.

His Aunt Kendall used to talk to my belly, while I was on bedrest..and she would say "I hope you grow up to be as great as my little brother!"

She adored her little brother so much.

And just today, (I am not sure why I have blocked that memory from my mind!) but it all came back to me.

And 14 years later, I think she is on her way to getting her wish!

And I know she's still just as proud!

So....Chappy Birthday!!!

I just wasn't prepared...

So, tonight was was the visitation service for the 18-year-old. Sweet Jacob Cross.

We had the service at our church.

I wasn't prepared. Actually, I never gave it one second of thought.

Not one second.

Why did it not cross my mind?

For the last two days, I have been so thankful that it was going to be at our church. Because it is a sanctuary. A safe place. Not a cold funeral home.

Those boys need Jesus and His peace with them right now. I have been so thankful for that. That they would feel safe, at this time.

But, it never once crossed my mind, that Kendall's service was also there. Not once. I guess I was so caught up with thinking of them, that I didn't see the bigger picture (and I am usually pretty good at that).

And then.

As I turned into that side door. The same side door we entered.

We went down that aisle. The same aisle.

And at the foot of the sanctuary, the flowers greeted me before I could approach the family. And as I stood with them just ahead of me. It was a vision that I truly believe I have blocked from every emotion that I have.

I had no idea.

Oh, and as I approached his mom, I felt their pain. I felt their feet hurt from standing. I knew their eyes were sore from rubbing with endless amounts of cheap kleenex. I knew they were tired of having that first "I am so sorry" encounter with people that they loved. I knew that they felt awkward when it was someone that they didn't know. Or someone that was obviously grieving heavily. Almost as if the family had to comfort THEM.

I understood. And I wished I could take it from them. I wished I could make it better.

And then as I watched each boy, sign the casket with a Sharpie, and then hug the parents, and then turn to exit, and catch that lump in their throat. Oh, how I wanted to squeeze each of them. And some, I did.

As I turned to exit myself, that overwhelming, powerful, suffocate my chest, and I almost couldn't breathe feeling...it returned to me. And as I stepped closer to the door, I remembered leaving the church. And leaving, knowing that I was leaving her at that foot of that sanctuary.

It was hard to take those steps to exit that day.
And it was hard today.

A flood of emotions I wasn't prepared.

And then in the foyer, to see all of those sweet tough boys, crying on each other shoulders, pounding their buddies backs, it hurt me.

What an overwhelming sense of pride I had for them. Proud of their team. Proud of their brotherhood.

I am not sure I have ever been as broken of a mom.

I just wasn't prepared.

And I am not sure tomorrow will be any easier.

She was his biggest fan....

10 years ago today, we lost sweet Kendall....and every time I see this picture. It gets me.

This was the perfect picture of her sweet spirit. How she wanted the best for everyone else. How she was so giving, and so loving.

She was so sweet and tender to me the whole time I was pregnant with Chappy. It was such a tough pregnancy.

And, she never complained about her sickness, or her aches and pains. She was just so loving. And tender. That is the best word I can find.

When I got this picture developed (yes, back in the day of film).....I could see the tears in her eyes, and honestly, it's like I could feel the joy deep inside of her.

She was her brother's biggest fan. She was his cheerleader. She always told him "love you, brother" and when she said it, she said it with the sweetest tone, and she meant it.

I know that she was so proud when Chappy "finally made it"! She was so so proud of her little brother. And that made my heart smile.

Now, when I look back, this picture is such a treasure. Just a simple reminder of just how sweet and short life is.

If I knew then, what I know now.....and that 10 years later, I would be blogging about her, instead of able to call her on the phone....I probably would've called more, and stayed longer, and...and...and....

But, I'm just so very thankful for the years I did have. And, so thankful that my hubby had a "biggest fan".....way before I came along :)

Sweet Keni, I miss you.