Friday, February 5, 2010

Can't we just skip February 5th?

So, for several weeks now, I have been PLANNING for this day. Preparing fun things to do, and knowing in advance, with confidence that I was going to take it head on, and conquer the grief of this day.

So, even Monday, I sat down (because I knew I had some great stuff planned) and I pre-posted this blog post....see below..... I mean, I was prepared, and excited.

Well, now it is Thursday night, February 4th, and it is crazy, I know, but I relive every second. Every second that I waited for a kick. Every move of mine, that I hoped would bring on a move of his. Dang that day. Dang it.

It's not because I hate my life as it is today, or because I can't get passed it. No, that's not it at all. It is honestly just because I know the love that I have in me for Mas and Chap, and I know, man, I know that I could have loved him just as much. And, I wanted to. I still want to.

Ugh. I was gonna kick it this year. I was gonna be strong, and embrace it.

But, not the case. Just not the case at all.

I do have a fun coffee/girl time planned for EARLY in the morning, and I hope that will help start the day off right. I am really praying in advance for a bright start and a wonderful day.

So, it's February 4th as I type, and even 11 years later, it is all so fresh.

So, yip hip, freakin' hooray for February 5th. Can't we just delete it. Kind of like leap year?!

Previous post (when I was feeling very optimistic!)

I am not a fan of February 5th. At all.

February 5th. Elijah Cole Smith's birthday.

11 years ago, today, well, actually the night before, I realized, I knew, that something was wrong with him, and he was not his spunky, little kick-y self! I rocked that night, all night long, waiting for the sun to come up, and that night, in that rocking chair, I prayed that no matter what God's plan was, that I would learn to accept it. (I am not really sure I meant it).

But, now, 11 years later. I can almost see it.It's like sometimes when I get upset about it, or even angry with God, it's like He shows me a glimpse of His glory. What about Chapman? We would NOT have him if Elijah was here. Not mathematically possible!

What about our perfect complete family that we have now! It would be different. Probably still great, but I am ok with not knowing. Ya know.

So, usually, I spend today, February 5th, all by myself, usually scrapbooking, and just being me...and if I don't want to be with anyone, I don't. But, if I go have coffee with Susie, well, then I do.

But, not today! Today is the day that I am saying, I am going to surround myself with fun, and embrace today, as a celebration of Elijah! A celebration of the wonderful, many wonderful things that God has done with us BECAUSE of his death. A celebration that when Kendall walked through those pearly gates, she had a nephew waiting on her! Wow, what a reunion!!!

Glory to God for today, February 5th, 2010!

I can't wait to hang with my girls, and have a fun day!!!

Happy Birthday, little guy!

(but selfishly, I kind-of do wish I could throw him a party!)


Andrea S. said...

Thinking about you today B. Hope you're surrounded by hugs & love (even if from afar if that's what you need!)

Unknown said...

Hugs and kisses~ Jenn

Virginia said...

Oh B. I love you. And I think that it is okay to mourn & grieve and feel crappy about it. It sucks. The brokeness of this world is awful. I yearn for that day when there will be no more sorrow. I am praying this morning that God gives you a whole bunch of grace and comfort today (Scott, too).


Michelle Whitlow said...

I can't imagine how hard today must be for you. I can't say that I've lived through that. But I hope that you have some bright spots in your day today despite how much you miss your little one :)

Gucci Mama said...

Wow - I just came over from the Trendy Treehouse follow thingy, so this is my first time here.

I can't imagine what you went through, what you're still going through, but I want to say I'm amazed by your outlook! It's so difficult to stay strong in faith when tragedy strikes.

I wish I had the right words. I just hope today goes as well as it possibly can. ;)

Mom et al said...

Hi, Friday following you.

Come visit me at



Nubia said...

I really wish I would have not read this at work. Not because I am not happy you shared this, but because I know how you feel. Just know that I will be thinking of you today and hugging you from afar. And I find it nothing wrong with making a birthday cake if that is what you would like to do1

HoweverAlthough said...

b. I love you and your honesty and your willingness to share your experience. I am thinking about you and praying for you today. I know you are sad and that makes my heart hurt...because to me, b = sunshine and light. xoxo

Lisa said...

Oh B! I love ya and just wanted to say I was thinking about you and you are in my prayers! I can't say I know how you feel exactly, but I've certainly mourned what we've lost with Cole - even though I know its all God's plan - that doesn't make it any easier somedays. I hope you have had a great day and have been surrounded by happiness!! You deserve that!!

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you Brittany.

Brooke said...

B, I am praying for you this evening. God is good and I know that He has given you some extra special loving today. I pray He continues to fill you with His peace that transcends all understanding in Christ Jesus. Much love, Brooke

gimmegodiva said...

B- I read this a few days ago, but couldn't comment. Just wanted you to know I love you girl, and said a prayer for you and your family. And I think it might be therapeutic to make a cake. What ever you need to do. Just know God is close, even on days he feels far away. <3 u.

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