So, for several weeks now, I have been PLANNING for this day. Preparing fun things to do, and knowing in advance, with confidence that I was going to take it head on, and conquer the grief of this day.
So, even Monday, I sat down (because I knew I had some great stuff planned) and I pre-posted this blog post....see below..... I mean, I was prepared, and excited.
Well, now it is Thursday night, February 4th, and it is crazy, I know, but I relive every second. Every second that I waited for a kick. Every move of mine, that I hoped would bring on a move of his. Dang that day. Dang it.
It's not because I hate my life as it is today, or because I can't get passed it. No, that's not it at all. It is honestly just because I know the love that I have in me for Mas and Chap, and I know, man, I know that I could have loved him just as much. And, I wanted to. I still want to.
Ugh. I was gonna kick it this year. I was gonna be strong, and embrace it.
But, not the case. Just not the case at all.
I do have a fun coffee/girl time planned for EARLY in the morning, and I hope that will help start the day off right. I am really praying in advance for a bright start and a wonderful day.
So, it's February 4th as I type, and even 11 years later, it is all so fresh.
So, yip hip, freakin' hooray for February 5th. Can't we just delete it. Kind of like leap year?!
Previous post (when I was feeling very optimistic!)
I am not a fan of February 5th. At all.
February 5th. Elijah Cole Smith's birthday.
11 years ago, today, well, actually the night before, I realized, I knew, that something was wrong with him, and he was not his spunky, little kick-y self! I rocked that night, all night long, waiting for the sun to come up, and that night, in that rocking chair, I prayed that no matter what God's plan was, that I would learn to accept it. (I am not really sure I meant it).
But, now, 11 years later. I can almost see it.It's like sometimes when I get upset about it, or even angry with God, it's like He shows me a glimpse of His glory. What about Chapman? We would NOT have him if Elijah was here. Not mathematically possible!
What about our perfect complete family that we have now! It would be different. Probably still great, but I am ok with not knowing. Ya know.
So, usually, I spend today, February 5th, all by myself, usually scrapbooking, and just being me...and if I don't want to be with anyone, I don't. But, if I go have coffee with Susie, well, then I do.
But, not today! Today is the day that I am saying, I am going to surround myself with fun, and embrace today, as a celebration of Elijah! A celebration of the wonderful, many wonderful things that God has done with us BECAUSE of his death. A celebration that when Kendall walked through those pearly gates, she had a nephew waiting on her! Wow, what a reunion!!!
Glory to God for today, February 5th, 2010!
I can't wait to hang with my girls, and have a fun day!!!
Happy Birthday, little guy!
(but selfishly, I kind-of do wish I could throw him a party!)