Sunday, June 26, 2011
16 years of God's grace.....
I had no idea.....16 years ago, today.....that my life would be how it is today.
I had just absolutely no idea. I mean it. NONE.
I did not know of a loving God. I did not know of a forgiving Jesus. I did not know of a Love.....that could Love me....and forgive me.....and die for me.....
I did not know the love of sending a Son as a sacrifice.......
But.....what I did know 16 years ago today.......is that I was about to have a baby!
HOLY CRAP! WHAT?! A BABY?????????????
And.....um, excuse me.....Doctor know-it-all.....WHAT did you say? A boy????
What in this world am I going to do with a boy? What in the world do I know about boys?! Good grief.
I can so clearly remember it like it was just this morning.
The doctors prepping me for a C-Section.....you know.....telling me the whole drill, how it was all about to go down....and my mind racing.....not hearing a thing.
Honestly, it was a Charlie Brown Teacher WAH-WAH-WAH moment....
And I remember leaning for my sister, and I so secretly, and almost like I was confiding my darkest secret to her....I said into her ear "how am I going to love him??" and "I'm not ready to be a mother...I don't know HOW to be a mother".....and the tears just streamed down my cheeks. Not crazy crying like tears. Just the tears that come out, without you being able to do anything about it.
And, she told me "you are gonna love him and he is gonna love you...and you ARE ready to be a mother"........
And....well....this little guy......
But, then I held him. Oh, I held him.
And I loved him. I loved him so much it made my heart hurt.
How did this happen? How did he do this to me?! I had no idea WHAT to do with him.....but I couldn't WAIT to do it.
This little guy. Good gracious. Is there anything cuter?
And, somewhere along the way.....he started growing up. He started walking and talking and running and playing.
He started having a personality. And I loved him even more. And I loved it when he loved me back. And I loved it when he told me that he did.
I learned along the way that when he went to the doctor and got a shot.....oh, I couldn't take the tears. Those days became " you can have an ice cream or happy meal or anything your little heart wants" days.....as they should!
I learned that my mom and dad were right when they spanked me and told me "it hurts me more than it hurts you".
I learned that when he fell down...and it hurt him so bad he couldn't catch his breath enough to cry.....that hurt my heart.
And as he got even bigger.....
I learned that when he spoke of Jesus, he believed every single word he said. With a child-like faith. A faith that us, as adults, need to take a lesson from.
This little guy.........wow.
I've learned that if I have a "quick math" question, I can ask him.
I've learned that the phrase "stinky boys" is an under-statement.
I've loved him every little phase along the way.
I've loved playing Legos with him, and I've learned that it's really not about the building of the lego's but about the process of "playing" with Legos...together.
And, then as he has gotten older.....I have learned that it's hard to let him go.
It's hard to let him go:
--on a trip with the GrandParents.....without me. But, man, he has so much fun, and he is making memories of a lifetime. So...I must.
--out with a girlfriend and her parents! How in the world did we come to this?! But, it's part of the process...so I must.
--over to a friend's house...that we don't really know very well, and then hear him come home and tell the stories of such a sad situation...but it teaches him that everyone has a story...and it's not always like yours...so I must.
--on a mission trip, without cell service, and hundreds of miles away. But, he is serving Jesus, and blessing others...so I must.
All of these things are the things that we have raised him for. Raised him to do. And, although they are difficult as a mom...I must let him spread those little wings :)
So, as I get ready to let my sweet baby get his Drivers License, and get behind the wheel of a car, and drive out into this world on his own.....
I can't help but be so thankful for each and every step of the way so far.
Don't get me wrong, it hurts my heart that he's not my baby any more. And it hurts my heart that he doesn't crawl up in my lap and "need" me anymore.
But, I am so excited about this new phase of his life. And I am so thankful that he still does hug me and tell me he loves me, and even sometimes, he tells me that he needs me.
And I am so excited about the phase of "young man" that he is entering.
So, Happy Birthday, sweet Mason. I love you more than you'll ever, ever know.
And, although I am thankful that Jesus set the perfect example....the example of loving a Son so much, that you let them go.....so that God's plan can be fulfilled....I have a feeling that my "praying knees" might just get worn out in these next few weeks and months and years.