How do you brave your pain?

My friend Jennifer shared this blog with me, and it has taken a hold of my heart.

Her post today, just broke me.

I have been speaking with my friend Christen today, about decisions, and future, and questions, and reality.
And about God's will.

And why He chooses to heal some, and not others.

And, I have a funeral to attend Saturday, of a sweet 7-year-old, that God chose to bring Home early. He just couldn't win the battle of cancer. And that's NOT fair.


So, then, I finally take the time this afternoon to read this post "Tears in my popcorn"

and honestly, I think if I had read it this morning, or read it yesterday, maybe it would not have had the same effect.

But it got me.

First the phrase "but if I do fly away"

I am not sure why, but it jumped off of the page at me.
And it came out so strong.

But if I do.
Oh, such strong words for a mother to have to yield to her daughter.


And then she poses this question:
"How do you brave your pain? How do you struggle to live near to your pain honestly? Does living well mean faking at happiness when you are inwardly breaking? What would sharing your pain look like? Do you feel the pressure of hiding how you are feeling? How can you live honestly today? How can you let the tears fall in your popcorn?"

Wow!
Just letting that sink in.

No is not a valid response.

You know, that friend. 

The one that you hardly see. 

But you know they are on your team. 

The one that you just love. And they get you. 

Yeah. That's my friend Mandy. 

We haven't had one conversation about the whole "can't eat a dang thing without feeling like in being tortured" ordeal. 

And today, she texts to check in. 

Cause she's better than I am about that. 

And here ya go. 

I left the dr office last week so frustrated. And quite angry. 

At their lack of concern. 

And then this. 

I love her. 

Be a runner?

Today and yesterday, gorgeous, unusual July temps. 

All I want is to be a runner. 

But the truth...I got nothing. 

Yesterday in bed all day, so nauseous. 

Today...I've felt great! But there's no running going on here. 

Soon. 

Very soon. 

#please 

The pile of junk

See that pile. 

See that pile of clothes right there. 

No wait. It's jeans, shoes, and extension cord, and a tote bag. 

It greeted me in my bedroom tonight. Just where I left it. 

My small group same over tonight. 

And we shared, laughed, cried, and solved all of life's problems. 

Well, for the moment, anyways. 

And I realized when they left, this pile of junk was plainly visible to anyone that walked by my room. 

But you know what. They don't care. They don't judge. 

They love the real me. 

In our conversation tonight, one of the girls said, in speaking of her life where it sits today...

"But people are gonna judge, and they don't know the real story"

And I wish I had said to her:

Oh but, they are going to do that anyways. 

Your only hope is in Jesus, and your joy for the day is in the ones that love you. 

The ones that love the real, true, sometimes broken you. 

And those talking, they will have a new topic of conversation tomorrow. 

So just like that pile of junk on the floor in my room...move along. Nothing to see here. 

Quick change

The sound of the alarm came early, at 3:45am. 

I stumbled to the shower, and said out loud "fasting. No coffee" 

Just a verbal reminder to myself. 

Incase my "need to be caffeinated" self forgot :)

The hubby started stirring a few minutes later, and at 4:45am, Grandmary showed up. 

Off we went, to UAB for the ERCP. 

After getting settled in, the doctor comes in, chats for a few and decides he doesn't think I need an ercp. So quick change to Endoscopic Ultrasound. 

Hey, at this point, I don't care. Just run a test. Any test. 

It's all a shot in the dark. So one test is as good as another as far as I'm

concerned. 

Anyways, they performed the test. And Charming had to dash to work to a meeting downtown. Off he went. 

The dr gave the full report to GrandMary. I'm still a little hazy. But I tink the conclusion was, a little pancreatic inflammation, but nothing "functional" to be concerned with. 

So basically, it seems like they've decided everything is working properly. 

But there's a disconnect somewhere. 

Now, we just need to find it. 

So, consult to follow. 

We left the hospital, but...the dr made mention of coconut oil. 

And that lit GrandMary up, like any former-hippie should :)

So, she took me to The Golden Temple?!

How does she even know about this place?!

I felt like I had stepped back in time. 

She was in love. 

Peace. Groovy. Love. 

Anyways, we bought some coconut oil. 

And then stopped for coffee and oatmeal. 

(The only one food I know is safe these days) 

Well. A spoonful of coconut oil DOESNT make the medicine go down. 

As a matter of fact....well. 

Let's just say, the jury is still out on the coconut oil. 

But she's convinced I'm on my way to being healed....so, we shall see!

And all of this by 11am. 

I'm done. 

Gnite:)

Dancing on the ceiling

When I say the words "best concert ever" who do you think of?

If it's not Lionel Richie, then it's only because you haven't seen him live!

He's not a heart throb. 

He's probably no ones man-crush-Monday

He's legendary. 

That is all. 

He started the show with one soft word "Hello?!"

The crowd stood to their feet and never stopped singing. 

He rolled them out one after another, after another. 

Truly. The hits just. Kept. Coming. 

Lady, all night long, easy like Sunday morning, and on and on and on. 

I left there singing, woke up singing, and by 10am my kids were tired of me belting Endless Love at the top of my lungs! 

He closed the show with "We are the World" and I never wanted him to end it. 

So, in conclusion, it was an amazing both at Chastain Park in Atlant with Scott and Heather. 

Oh...and I spotted Mrs Wanda in the crowd (you know, Kenny Rogers' wife) we chatted a minute about the time we were BFF at the Oprah Winfrey Show. And then we want our own way. 

What fun! 

Wasting away...

Things are moving along. And no progress has been made. 

Well, some. But it's in the wrong direction. 

The CT scan/Angiogram with Contrast showed no blockage in the mesenteric artery. That's a good thing-long term. But it still doesn't show what's up. 

An intense battle with chest pains landed me in the ER this week. 

I knew it wouldn't be fruitful. 

But. The chest pains were scary. They've never been that harsh before. 

So EKG, liver panel, chest X-ray. All showed no signs of cardiac distress. 

Good thing. 

Out the door I went. 

So--back for a consult yesterday and Dr Combs says "so, you've lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks? 

I'm a little concerned with your nutrition"

Really?! Thanks doc! 

So. I've upped my Core Power protein to 2xday. 

And maybe I can keep the pounds on. Until further notice. 

ERCP schedule for Thursday July 10th. 

It's a shot in the dark. Pancreatic Divisum is the hunt. 

We shall see. 

Happy 4th of a July y'all. 

I'll have a double shot of vanilla :)