No....that's NOT what she said. But...it IS what I heard.
What she said that day....Wednesday, July 28...two weeks ago today....was this:
"Mrs. Smith. We need you to come back in. The doctor found some disturbing images on your mammogram and he wants to get a second reading before making a diagnosis".
What I heard was this:
"Mrs. Smith you have Cancer and although you are driving down the road right now, and your 10-year-old is in the car...you need to keep it together. You can't fall apart. You can react. Don't react. Act unconcerned. He doesn't need to know this. But...you have Cancer...and you may never see your boys grow up......." (and that voice went on in my head for a million hours)...well, more like 2 minutes.
I hung up the phone.
I could not react. I called the husband. I talked in code. Kind of like this:
"hey..can you talk. i need you to hear me...and me not tell you...i have little ears...remember that test i took on monday..you know... the twins...well...i have to go take it again...it did not look good. i need you to tell me it's gonna be ok"
he listened. he told me. he meant it.
Then, I drove home. I am sure I was pretending to be happy mom in the car, and I am sure I was not a good pretender. But my mind went in every direction.
I talked to God and asked Him what He was thinking?! He told me I was over-reacting. He was right. Duh.
I thought of the dreams I have for MY life. Our life. Our little family. I thought of Mas playing his first High School football game this year. I thought of marriages. Babies. Life. Vacations. Smiles. Tears.
Honestly. I took myself and my thoughts to places I had never been.
Then. I stopped thinking of that. And tears streamed down my cheek. This is NOT what *I* have in my future. And, maybe that's just MY problem.
I plan too much.
I never take into consideration that God has a plan for all of our lives, if I would just stop for a sec and let HIM do it.
And, yes, we finally made it home that night. I went in my room and just cried...basically cried myself to sleep...with a little bit of interruption here and there.
I registered both boys for school the next day (sucker punch to the heart...) and then off to the mammogram.
Then a second mammogram. "just to be sure".
Then..."let's just do an ultrasound"...just to be sure.
----FOR THE LOVE----- just tell me what's wrong?! What is it?! Help me!!!
So, the long and short of it is this.
They found a mass. It appears to be a lymphnode that they are NOT concerned about. However....as I write...I am getting ready to go for a biopsy..."just to be sure"...that term is a little over-used.
*And we have NOT told the boys, because we do NOT want them to worry unnecessarily*
Although this is a long blog post.......and I am ok with that....it is MY blog after all :) I have been reminded that God is in control. Thankfully, so...but He is. He keeps telling me again and again, this is the path I have chosen for you...Cancer or not...I am in control.
I have learned that the people that love you and care about you will rise up....and lift you up...when you are having trouble holding your own.
I remembered that I did this 60 mile walk....in an effort to find a cure...and although I am certain that a cure has NOT been found.....I do know that the efforts are not in vain...and their detective skills are intense :)
I have been so gently reminded in His word that He tells us that in our weakness, He is strong. Yes, I am reminded of that sweet song.....Jesus DOES love the little children! I am proud to be one.
I have learned that when I am "under the weather"...and don't tell my boys...both of them notice. And...even better...they have both said "mom...are you ok"....I love that about them.
And, most importantly, I have learned that no matter the outcome of any test, report, newsflash, etc.....God is still God. And, He will protect His children. And He will guide us down HIS path. The best part is.....He is not surprised by any of it! He knows how we will handle it, accept it, deal with it....and still love Him...(or not!)
So, as I prepare for this biopsy, and get my heart in the right frame of mind, although I am confident that it is all clear...thank you Lord for the gentle reminder that YOU are in control...and you have a plan for me, if I am willing.
Here I am Lord. Send me.
**Now......who wants to be on my team for the Race for the Cure 5k in Birmingham?!