Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I am sorry, Mrs. Smith...but you have Cancer.

Shocking right?!

Yes. Agreed.

No....that's NOT what she said. But...it IS what I heard.

What she said that day....Wednesday, July 28...two weeks ago today....was this:

"Mrs. Smith. We need you to come back in. The doctor found some disturbing images on your mammogram and he wants to get a second reading before making a diagnosis".

What I heard was this:

"Mrs. Smith you have Cancer and although you are driving down the road right now, and your 10-year-old is in the car...you need to keep it together. You can't fall apart. You can react. Don't react. Act unconcerned. He doesn't need to know this. But...you have Cancer...and you may never see your boys grow up......." (and that voice went on in my head for a million hours)...well, more like 2 minutes.

(this is not my actual ultrasound, but a stock photo...and mine looked EXACTLY like this)

I hung up the phone.

I could not react. I called the husband. I talked in code. Kind of like this:
"hey..can you talk. i need you to hear me...and me not tell you...i have little ears...remember that test i took on monday..you know... the twins...well...i have to go take it again...it did not look good. i need you to tell me it's gonna be ok"

he listened. he told me. he meant it.

Then, I drove home. I am sure I was pretending to be happy mom in the car, and I am sure I was not a good pretender. But my mind went in every direction.

I talked to God and asked Him what He was thinking?! He told me I was over-reacting. He was right. Duh.

I thought of the dreams I have for MY life. Our life. Our little family. I thought of Mas playing his first High School football game this year. I thought of marriages. Babies. Life. Vacations. Smiles. Tears.

Honestly. I took myself and my thoughts to places I had never been.

Then. I stopped thinking of that. And tears streamed down my cheek. This is NOT what *I* have in my future. And, maybe that's just MY problem.

I plan too much.

I never take into consideration that God has a plan for all of our lives, if I would just stop for a sec and let HIM do it.

And, yes, we finally made it home that night. I went in my room and just cried...basically cried myself to sleep...with a little bit of interruption here and there.

I registered both boys for school the next day (sucker punch to the heart...) and then off to the mammogram.

Then a second mammogram. "just to be sure".

Then..."let's just do an ultrasound"...just to be sure.

----FOR THE LOVE----- just tell me what's wrong?! What is it?! Help me!!!

So, the long and short of it is this.

They found a mass. It appears to be a lymphnode that they are NOT concerned about. However....as I write...I am getting ready to go for a biopsy..."just to be sure"...that term is a little over-used.

*And we have NOT told the boys, because we do NOT want them to worry unnecessarily*

----

Although this is a long blog post.......and I am ok with that....it is MY blog after all :) I have been reminded that God is in control. Thankfully, so...but He is. He keeps telling me again and again, this is the path I have chosen for you...Cancer or not...I am in control.

I have learned that the people that love you and care about you will rise up....and lift you up...when you are having trouble holding your own.

I remembered that I did this 60 mile walk....in an effort to find a cure...and although I am certain that a cure has NOT been found.....I do know that the efforts are not in vain...and their detective skills are intense :)
I have been so gently reminded in His word that He tells us that in our weakness, He is strong. Yes, I am reminded of that sweet song.....Jesus DOES love the little children! I am proud to be one.

I have learned that when I am "under the weather"...and don't tell my boys...both of them notice. And...even better...they have both said "mom...are you ok"....I love that about them.
And, most importantly, I have learned that no matter the outcome of any test, report, newsflash, etc.....God is still God. And, He will protect His children. And He will guide us down HIS path. The best part is.....He is not surprised by any of it! He knows how we will handle it, accept it, deal with it....and still love Him...(or not!)

So, as I prepare for this biopsy, and get my heart in the right frame of mind, although I am confident that it is all clear...thank you Lord for the gentle reminder that YOU are in control...and you have a plan for me, if I am willing.

Here I am Lord. Send me.

**Now......who wants to be on my team for the Race for the Cure 5k in Birmingham?!

14 comments:

The Kloeppings said...

What a scary time. My thoughts and prayers for a positive outcome are with you!

jenney said...

Brittney, you are such an inspiration!! May God be with you and calming you every moment of today. Hugs!

Brooke said...

B, I am praying for you and rejoicing in the report so far.You are right-our loving God,who sits on the throne, is in control. May He continue to give you peace that surpasses all understanding. Also, I want to be on your team! Should be back in the saddle by then.

Brooke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

Oh B - thinking about you today - praying for good results! It'll be ok - I know it!! Love you!

Virginia said...

Dang it B. You should NOT be making me cry this early in the morning.

Love you. Praying for a clear report today!!!

Sunshyne said...

Praying for you to get a good report on the biopsy. Saturday as I was getting ready to run/walk the 8K a member of my church who has been battling cancer was there to run and I was baffled and I was like what are you doing here, and she said my doctor cleared me and this is something I really want to do. Well you know what, she said she finished a full 10 minutes ahead of the pace she thought she could and she KNEW it was God allowing her to do so. Then she turned around to find me b/c she knew this was my first race and ran with me to the finish line. I didn't have too very far to go , but she thought that I would. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strenghtens me" Philippians 4:13.

Em said...

I know that there is absolutely nothing worse than not having a definitive answer! My thoughts and prayers are with you! Much love to you!!!

gimmegodiva said...

my first thought was....who is Mrs. Smith????? ha! I have never called you that before, so I was confused. But now that I know it is you, know you are in my prayers, and want to encourage you. Let me know if you need anything. love you, my friend.
and we still need to get together! :)

HoweverAlthough said...

You know how you know something is up with someone even when you haven't seen that someone in forever? And do you know how it feels even when you aren't especially close to someone, but for some reason you have a connection to that person - a kindredness? Is that even a word? Anyway, whoa. I knew something was up (here I go making it about me), but I knew. And I don't even REALLY know you, b. What's that about? I'll tell you - it's about God placing people in our lives that we can connect with on some level and support from a distance with prayer and happy thoughts, etc. You somehow came into my life and made an impression on me. I suspect you've done that to many others as well, and I suspect that is by God's design. He uses you to make a difference in the lives of many friends - those that you are very close with and those that you only see every now and then. You're precious. And you're gonna be fine.
When is that 5K? If I can be off work, I will be on your team.
I big puffy heart you.

Kim's Treasures said...

Praying for peace for you and great results!!!

My Lego Blog said...

Oh B! I am praying God sends you calming thoughts and peace as you wait for the results. (Amy Nabors)

Elizabeth Bailey said...

Thinking of you as you wait to hear results. You have a such a zeal for life and your positive attitude and outlook on life is an inspiration to me and so many others.

Nubia said...

Brittney I hope that by now you have heard something and that is good news. I will be praying for strength for you and your family.

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