A promise of hope for 2019

This scale is moving me into 2019 with a hope and a promise.
It seems silly. I know. A scale.
But. I had it in my heart that I wanted a cute scale for my new kitchen. Whenever and where ever that may be.
Really. Any scale will do. Something cute. Maybe vintage. Something with a story.
I looked at vintage spots, and flea malls. And clearly. Everyone else wants a scale too. Because they are trendy--and pricey--right now.
So. I haven't bought one. I've just dreamed of them on Pinterest and other little spots.
I figured when I found the right one, I'd know it.
And then. Hearth and Hand released this little cutie. He was only $14.99.
But again. A frivolous purchase. And just before Christmas? Nah. I'll wait.
But every time I saw it, my heart did a little jump.
Anyways. Yesterday I went to Target. A few groceries and a few post-Christmas clearance buys.
And on the way to the register. I saw it again.
So I thought. If it's on sale, I'll get it.
Again. I know. It's only $14.99. But I won't buy it at full price. I don't NEED it. #AttemptAtDiscipline
I passed one of the scanners. And of course. It was broken.
Anyways. When I got to the register, I asked the cashier to tell me how much it was before I bought it.
$1.49.
One. Dollar. And. Forty. Nine. Cents.
I literally squealed. And I squealed OUT LOUD "God knows the desires of my heart" and I had a Jesus moment with her. As I said "you have no idea how much I wanted it to be on sale" and she replied "if it's your blessing, He will give it to you!! You acted on faith just bringing it up here!"
What?!
I was in full on JOY mode all day!
Such a small thing. I know.
But to me. It was huge. It was a great end of a year that hasn't quite brought me those desires of my heart. But it was a reminder of the promise still to come.
He has purposed these things in my heart. And when His time is now, so it will be!
Praise God for such a tiny item, to bring a strong word to my spirit!
"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalms 37:4
#PraiseHimAllTheDays #Joy #HisTimingIsAlwaysPerfect #HopeInThingsNotYetSeen

This scale is moving me into 2019 with a hope and a promise.
It seems silly. I know. A scale.
But. I had it in my heart that I wanted a cute scale for my new kitchen. Whenever and where ever that may be.
Really. Any scale will do. Something cute. Maybe vintage. Something with a story.
I looked at vintage spots, and flea malls. And clearly. Everyone else wants a scale too. Because they are trendy--and pricey--right now.
So. I haven't bought one. I've just dreamed of them on Pinterest and other little spots.
I figured when I found the right one, I'd know it.
And then. Hearth and Hand released this little cutie. He was only $14.99.
But again. A frivolous purchase. And just before Christmas? Nah. I'll wait.
But every time I saw it, my heart did a little jump.
Anyways. Yesterday I went to Target. A few groceries and a few post-Christmas clearance buys.
And on the way to the register. I saw it again.
So I thought. If it's on sale, I'll get it.
Again. I know. It's only $14.99. But I won't buy it at full price. I don't NEED it. #AttemptAtDiscipline
I passed one of the scanners. And of course. It was broken.
Anyways. When I got to the register, I asked the cashier to tell me how much it was before I bought it.
$1.49.
One. Dollar. And. Forty. Nine. Cents.
I literally squealed. And I squealed OUT LOUD "God knows the desires of my heart" and I had a Jesus moment with her. As I said "you have no idea how much I wanted it to be on sale" and she replied "if it's your blessing, He will give it to you!! You acted on faith just bringing it up here!"
What?!
I was in full on JOY mode all day!
Such a small thing. I know.
But to me. It was huge. It was a great end of a year that hasn't quite brought me those desires of my heart. But it was a reminder of the promise still to come.
He has purposed these things in my heart. And when His time is now, so it will be!
Praise God for such a tiny item, to bring a strong word to my spirit!
"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalms 37:4
#PraiseHimAllTheDays #Joy #HisTimingIsAlwaysPerfect #HopeInThingsNotYetSeen

2 virtuous women

Today I attended 2 funerals.

One this morning. One tonight. 2 very Godly women that I loved and admired. For their faith, their family values, and their serving, unselfish heart. 

Each funeral allowed time for hugging and chatting with old friends, seeing family members that we rarely see. And all of these things were good. 

At the end of the day....it leaves me thinking of "the end of my day". I can only hope I'm a portion of the person these women were. I pray that my faith radiates and draws others to Christ. Oh, if only my children will rise up and call me blessed. And if my days were full of giving to others, in whatever way God would have me give. 

My Aunt Joyce and Mrs Carolyn will both be truly missed. We are all better people because we knew them. 

#VirtuousWomanCanBeAchieved

#BecauseTheyShowedMe

#goals

Healing

A text from my chiropractor /wellness Doctor today: 

Patience is required as body heals... consider it more of a windy road of a traveling plan rather than an exact destination to reach. 😊

Depth chart, Football and Jesus

I love Coach Saban.

We know this. 

But today in his presser, he yet again gives the media another reason to love to hate him. 

Or maybe they hate to love him. 

https://t.co/GELq5kah9K

But when it comes to the topic of the depth chart. It's the perfect setup!!

And isn't that much how we are. 

It used to be that I <insert your name here> loved myself. Or I didn't doubt myself. Or I was a dreamer. 

But then the world created their version of me. And tried to write it on the wall and declare that is who I am. 

Plot twist: 

Your depth chart (opinion) of me doesn't count. 

I'm currently deep in the middle of Lysa Terkeurst's book "uninvited" and this is speaking right to my soul. 

And then Coach Saban confirmed :)

Roll Tide, y'all! 

Steady hands

This week during prayer, the story of Moses was told like I've never heard before. 

Or maybe I had. But it resonated with me. In a whole new way. 

I'll admit I'm not super Bible-savvy, but I love when an "old story" has a new meaning. 

So it's in Exodus. And it goes a little something like this. Moses had the staff of God in his hand. When he would raise his Hand, Israel prevailed. But when he lowered it..well, Amalek did. 

So the point here was that Moses needed to keep his hands held high until the battle was won. 

I myself am a "hand raiser". 

I'm a praise-the-Lord-raise-my hands-in-church girl. I sing. (Off key). I sway. 

Whatever. I praise. 

But. What about the times when it's hard to praise. What about the times when it's you're broken. And your praise is weary. 

That's when you need an Aaron and a Hur.  One on your right. One on your left. 

And they say "hey girl. You stay there. I'll hold my hands up FOR you. I'll hold YOUR hands up for you. I'll praise for you until the battle is won. Or until you're strong enough to praise again!"

Recently, I had a similar instance. I had just had surgery a few days prior and everything was a struggle. Everything that we take for granted. 

I was home alone. 

And felt like I could *finally* shower. Not be rushed. And go slow. At my own pace. Before my people came home. 

I did.slowly. 

Success. 

I was dressed. And I was feeling accomplished. 

And I had not thought any further than that. 

When a friend came to the back door. 

(That kind of friend that knows she doesn't really have to knock) 

And I said "oh my gosh. Will you please dry my hair."

And she did. 

And we chatted. And she left. 

She literally had just come by. Un-announced. To check on me. 

AND TO HOLD UP MY HAND. 

I can't ever be thankful enough. 

And such a great solid reminder in God's word. 

We need each other. 

Be an Aaron. Or a Hur. 

Because one day, you may need one yourself. 

Pressing thru walls

Tonight I lay my head down. 

It's been a rough 7 days. 

-I can't compare myself to someone battling cancer, or someone who has lost everything they own in the Louisiana floodings, but keeping it all relative, it's been a rough week. 

I'm thankful for my sweet friends that have prayed me thru, fed my people, spoke words of life into me every single day and filled in the gaps. I'm thankful for my mother that answered endless upon endless questions, even after working 12's herself. 

Where my heart is full, my flesh is weak. 

God has revealed a journey of healing for my body. It's an amazing story. Seriously...it will be!!! It's gonna kinda suck for a little while...And it's not lovely, but I know "the path that I take, and when He is finished with me I will be pure as Gold". 

His word tells me so. 

As shocking as it seems...I'm a pretty private person. I'm thankful for my friends that have pressed thru walls this week. I needed you. And I would've never asked. (I hate that about myself).  But You showed up. Thank you. ❤️❤️ 

And I wasn't going to share, but God kept driving home this verse tonight. So I'll go ahead and share, so I can finally sleep :) 

His plan is ALWAYS PERFECT. 

His timing is ALWAYS PERFECT. 

It's taken me 3 years. <I'm a stubborn subject>

"And even if He does not....He is still a good God." Daniel 3:18 

Goodnight. 

I just wanna go to prayer tomorrow. That is all. #BabySteps

One sided----it's not about me.

I have really been struggling with a few one-sided relationships...and it's hard to vocalize the why's and the what's about my struggles, because I just can't pinpoint what the struggle is.

And then God.
Why does He always have to chime in :)

A message about Palm Sunday, and I am sure that it was intended to be a message of hope for the lost, or a message of redemption for the wayward.

------{you can find the message here:  https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/at-the-cross}-----

But, it was a message to me, about The Cross.
At the foot of The Cross there is healing.
At the foot of The Cross there is level ground.
At the foot of The Cross there is freedom.

And, Pastor Dino Rizzo gave an illustration that I may never be able to "un-see" and for that I am so glad.
The Cross has 2 beams. A vertical beam reminds me of the enormous amounts of grace and forgiveness He has given to me. The horizontal beam reminds me to extend it to others. And point them to Him.


Woah.
It's not about me.
Maybe a few one-sided relationships are necessary, to keep my beam extended.
A reminder for me to CONTINUE to give grace, even when sometimes it is not returned.
A reminder for me to CONTINUE to fan the flame of friendship, even when it is not returned.
A reminder for me to CONTINUE to offer mercy and love, even when it is not returned.
A reminder for me to CONTINUE to bless, even when Thank You is not offered.

Look at that one beam.
The one that goes Vertical.
He loved, He offered mercy, He perfected friendship, and He gave Grace...even when HE knew that I wouldn't always offer it back up to Him.

This message of The Cross.
So great!

Day 22 and beyond...

(Seriously, I need a nap)

21 days of fasting and prayer 

I didn't feel like I should really fast from

food, mostly, because I have basically been fasting food for 915 days. 

But whatever. 

I did feel led to "fast" from Facebook. And not necessarily from the "things" of Facebook. But just from the distractions of life. 

As my fingers got the "shakes" to check it, I would re-focus. It's been good. 

But in a social media driven world...it almost felt like I was missing out. At first. 

Then as days went on, I realized I wasn't. Because life was happening all

Around me. I was glad I was fully present to see it. 

Chapman began learning to play the piano. 

2 of our 3 cars needed new tire$. 

My hard drive in my laptop crashed. Dead. Laptop. {insert nervous twitch here}

Mason transferred to UAB. 

I attended 2 funerals of people I loved dearly. 

I helped a friend serve at her sons 16th birthday ceremony. 

We saw a few snowflakes in Alabama. I didn't leave the house :)

My sweet pup, Jack, had his second birthday. 

I sat with a friend at the hospital while her daughter had a brain tumor removed. 

We spent a few more nights with Pop in the hospital. 

Alabama won another National Championship. 

21 days of prayer and fasting makes me tired. Early mornings aren't my jam. 

My niece, Kaitlyn, got engaged. Wes is one lucky fella.  

All in all, it's been a great 21 days. I'm

Pretty excited to re-connect, but thankful for the new approach. 

After all, life is about loving people. And loving ON people. 

I can do that pretty well, with Facebook. But I've done ok without. 

Maybe balance is the key. 

Will "rehab" for Mickey waffles

Seriously, I'm not making light of it. 

But if I don't laugh, I'll shoot myself in the face. So there. 

Here's where I am today. 

Vanderbilt University Medical Center. 

Why? For answers. 

But even better. God came before me. 

And prepared the way. 

No really. He did. 

So, currently, I have an appointment at Medical University of South Carolina in September. 

Mayo Clinic in October. 

An "undiagnosed disease" specialist in Birmingham in November. 

A pain therapist in December. 

I kid you not. 

Who am I? 

Who is this? 

Rewind 2 years ago, I'm a healthy marathoner full of life and spunk. 

Today, I can hardly walk to the mailbox without being winded. And I'm

Almost an introvert on any given day, if the pain shuts me down. 

Yes. Toss your "no excuses" shame my way. I wave the white flag. 

Guilty of doing the same. 

But for 25 months, I've lived on a diet of chicken breast and JIF peanut butter. And the occasional oatmeal. But heaven forbid, not all 3 in one day. 

Anyways, I digress. 

In January 2015, during our 21 days of prayer, I admit. I don't think I prayed for myself once. 

On the day of healing prayer I was so focused on a few others, I never even tossed my name in the hat. 

True story. I was so discouraged. And felt like it wasnt an issue of healing. But an issue of the doctors need to get their act together. 

So. 

Today. We are again in 21 days of prayer. And selfishly I've been praying for (along with many others) and believing for a miracle of healing for myself. Selfish. I know. 

Move on. 

So last week, my doctor calls and says he's referring me to Vanderbilt or Mayo Clinic. He can't do anything else for me. 

But. 

The doctor at Vanderbilt can't see me until December. 

Then Friday, I get the call that they can see me this week. 

Bam. 

Today. 

August. Not December. 

Then, I arrive today...

And the doctor already has a hunch. 

But he says "start at the beginning."

 So I do. 

He said that everything I said affirmed his theory. 

I truly believe God went before me and prepared his mind. 

And then all of a sudden. 

2+ years later. We have a plan. 

A diagnosis of sorts:

it's a post-infectious dysfunction. 

He says he is certain that I had a virus/ infection/bacteria/even a parasite maybe when it started so fierce that first night. (July 2013)

And the lack of proper treatment caused motility dysfunction in my large and/ or small intestine. 

Along with abdominal migraines. 

The good news is it usually corrects itself. The bad news is sometimes that takes up to five years. Or not at all. 

But with some meds, and then within a few days...try to eat very lean and clean. Small bites a day. 

He said to not try to eat meals. That's almost impossible. But to eat a few bites. A few times a day. Like baby steps. 

He's running some blood work to check for lack of nutrition and just to check levels and test for celiac tendencies etc---but he said he's pretty confident he's spot on. 

Motility issues would never show up on the tests. 

Makes total sense. 

And I truly believe it's the power of prayer. Prayer from so many. 

I have a team of prayer lovelies. 

I am so thankful. 

Today has been overwhelming. With love and prayer. 

I'm completely overwhelmed by the people that love me. 

**and for the record.....I've cancelled all of the future appointments at Mayo and in Charleston and Birmingham. I believe this is it. 

I believe God is restoring me to full health. 

And I believe that I'm going to eat a full meal with my family once again. 

Seriously. For the first time in 25 months, I believe full well. 

I can hardly even believe it when I type those words. 

What a powerful day today has been. 

I am so thankful for those that have prayed for and with me. 

I can't wait to share a meal with each and everyone of you. 

In maybe a year or two ;)

Beware of the cocoon.

I've had 3 different friends this week, refer to "the cocoon".

What cocoon? And why does this word keep popping up?

"you know, she likes to slip into her cocoon when life gets hard, and not let anyone in"

"she has closed herself off from everyone, and only comes out of her cocoon on occasion"

"it's almost like if I could stay in my cocoon, then I don't get hurt. No one knows I'm there, and no one can hurt me"

----------------
*that* cocoon.

And then I read this very long and so heart wrenching blogspot from Heidi Swapp, just days after her son took his own life.
She blogged the events that unfolded in those days....probably so she could record them for her own keepsakes, but if I know her passion for memory-keeping like I think I do, she blogged this so that maybe it would keep someone else from slipping too far into their own cocoon / dark hole!

--------------------
And so I'm not sure why, but God has impressed this word on me, over and over.

And then tonight Rick Bezet spoke at church, and his message of words was so very spot on. (funny how God does that).

But he mostly spoke about using the tongue to pierce.

But my heart kept saying "use the words to love. use the words to nourish. use the words to help"

And then on the way home, that word cocoon came again, but God reminded me, that from the cocoon comes something beautiful. Something with wings. Something with passion and purpose.

--------------------
I pray today that I can be much better at using my words to help someone else find their wings and their passion...and even if they find themselves in the cocoon they can know it's not the end, but just the beginning of such a greater place!

After all the cocoon is a part of new birth, the beginning of a new season. A fresh start!

God has so much wonder planned for us all....if we will burst forth from the cocoon...and let Him use us for His glory.

What a great word for today.

Living In Freedom Everyday

I am having a very hard time putting my thoughts into some clear form of a blogpost.

I am 20-year believer that a relationship with Jesus isn't a feeling.
It isn't the hype of a spectacle of lights and the wonder of fireworks.

After all, that's what Disneyland is for, right?! :)

But...................................

So, 12 weeks ago, we (#Charming and I) enrolled in the Spring semester of Small Groups at Church of the Highlands.

We joined a LIFE group.

I knew we wanted to do LIFE. Because many friends, and fellow COTH members said that we needed to.
So, we did.

We joined a group of unknowns.

Imagine us, on the COTH Small Groups website, almost like a Jesus version of Russian Roulette, if there is such a thing.

Eeenie, Meenie, Miney Moe!

Yes, that's how we chose.
Very spiritual, I know.

So, I email this chic, Natalie...and I say "hey...so...we don't know a soul, but we totally would love to join your group" and she replies "wow! That's great, y'all come on!"

So... we did!
How fabulous of her!

So, for 12 weeks, we've been engaged in this LIFE class, learning the fundamentals of the Tree of Life.
Stuff we've heard for years, but never applied it in this way!

I'm not saying it's a new version of the Bible, or anything crazy, I'm just saying, it's broken down in a way that made me literally say "hold up...read that again.....that right there will preach!"

Anyways, so it all comes to a grand finale this weekend, at the much anticipated LIFE Retreat.

Again, I can't put it into words.

Que the pageantry, lights, fireworks, spectacle... a program of excellence.

An event that ushered me straight to the heart of worship, and to the place that I could be so strong *in* the Lord, but yet so weak in His presence. 

But what I can say, is that I feel like my insides were scooped out with a watermelon scooper....and the good stuff was so sweet, and so wonderful, and the stuff that still needed to be pruned a little, was brought to light, examined, and then tossed away! To be remembered no more!

God is using ALL of me, for His good.
My good, my great, my sweet, and my trash.
Yes, even the trash...He is taking, and making a wonderful story of grace and redemption.

I almost feel bad for the BJCC.
I left a bunch of garbage there.

I left some relationships there.
Unhealthy relationships....left on the hard concrete floor of the BJCC. #SorryNotSorry

I left my anger there.
I left the mean words of some "friends" there.
I left my bitterness there.

I am so very thankful for a few friends that texted me throughout the weekend, to let me know they were praying for me.
They knew it would be hard.
They knew it would hurt my guts.

But they also knew that Jesus needed to rid me of that, so He could shine!

And, yes...at the end of the weekend....I was exhausted.
Mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I brought all of me to the weekend, and I left with all of Him.
I am so thankful for these 12 weeks, and my friends in LIFE.

I can never express enough, how wonderful it is, to walk into a home of strangers....and never once feel judgement, or condemnation.
But a room full of compassion, and kindness, and silliness, and love.

It's amazing.
I tried to think of another power word....like spectacular, or marvelous, or wonderful, or even stupendious...but none of those worked.

Amazing.
My God is amazing.
And I am so thankful to be working towards a life of Living In Freedom Everyday!

(and the Friday afternoon at the Westin, to "get my mind right" was not so bad either :)

"spiritual parents"

Today, we were thrilled to join in the celebration of Benny Bowman, and 35 years of ministry. 

But really, I would confidently say we all celebrated 35 years of life-giving impact. 

Benny and Connie Bowman are my spiritual parents. 

As they are for so many. 

But for me....

I can say without hesitation that much of my love for Jesus is because I saw it modeled so purely in them. 

Let's rewind. 

Scott was serving on the Student Ministry team, and they were on a youth retreat in Fort Payne. 

Little did I know, they prayed for him that weekend. They prayed that God would send him the help-meet that his heart desires. 

(This is from our first Youth Retreat as Student Leaders---why they let us be in charge of young people is beyond me ;)

I had no idea that was me. 

I really had no idea that I was "desired" as a partner in ministry. 

What in the world?! 

I had not been home from college long. And I can only imagine that just a few weeks later, when I showed up on the scene, something inside them must've laughed "God....are you serious?!"

But they unknowingly accepted the challenge of mentoring me. 

I was worldly. Oh was I worldly. 

Connie and Benny both loved me with a love that was greater than love. 

(This was them, so I guess we were ok!)

Only that love that God can give. 

They prayed for us when we got engaged. 

They loved us and ministered to us when we lost Elijah. 

I wasn't reachable during those days. 

My heart was shattered beyond repair. 

And they called us into their office --the couch was old and worn but it was so safe--but I can remember that it swallowed me whole just to sit in the safe-place that was their office. 

They told us "this will tear you apart, or this will be the strength of your marriage. You are both grieving. And you grieve differently. But you have to do it together."

I'll never forget them for that. 

I trusted them. I knew they sought Jesus with their whole heart. 

And at a time where I couldn't even see thru my blurry tear-filled eyes to search for Jesus, I trusted them. I knew they were right. And I believed that they were only looking out for the "best us" possible. 

Just months later, we would ask them to do

The unthinkable, and sing at Kendall's funeral. 

They accepted with an honored smile. 

I know, later, after looking back, how hard that was for them. They had loved Kendall from the beginning. 

And they brought the sweet spirit of the Lord into the church that day. 

And I worshiped with them. 

Again, I trusted them. I trusted their strength. 

I knew if they said we could get thru this, then we would. 

I was so thrilled to know that my boys would have that same leadership in their lives. 

But God had other plans. 

When Benny told us that God was calling him to another location, I sobbed. 

Only because I knew what my guys would be missing. 

But. I knew that this too would be ok. 

I trusted them. 

And of course, Chapman is still in those critical years, but Mason has had some amazing youth leaders and experiences.

And then, all of a sudden, Benny was the team Chaplain for his football team. Funny how God gives us our heart's desires.  

I watched as Benny ministered to those boys. He taught them the Word of God. And they trusted Him. They knew he was real. They knew it was not about football to him, but football was the avenue that God was giving him to reach them. 

I loved watching from this perspective. As I loved those boys too. 

Today, was a great day, celebrating Benny Bowman, but what it really was for me, was a reminder of the impact that we have on people. 

Again, as I strive to not waste my days and opportunities that He's given me...I'm thankful for such an excellent role model. 

And I'm thankful that they took me in (they really didn't have a choice) and they parented me, as I learned of the Lord. And they showed me how to find Him, trust Him, and fall in Love with Him. 

You can go your own way...

I'm a firm believer in this verse. And when God rocks my world with His plan, I ask Him to show me one day...so that my simple little mind can say "oooooh, I get it now. Sorry again! that I tried to go my way" ;) 

And He does. He always does. 

Why I "check in" at church?

A while ago, someone asked on facebook "why do people "checkin" at church?

I don't remember who it was, but everytime I do, I keep thinking "I need to do a blogpost about this".

Here's why:

1. Because I am so thankful to be here.
I am thankful that I am able.
I am thankful to be with my family.
And I am thankful that I made it.  (meaning...we made an effort to put other things aside, and go to church!)

2. Because I can!
It's my wall (or twitter feed) and I can check in where I want to :)
I mean, I check-in at the coffee shop, and at dinner, why in the world wouldn't I want to "brag" about going to church! Holla! #CheckIn #ImHere #ComeSitWithMe 

3. But mostly, because I should.
"Share the news of Jesus"
"do not be silent"
"go forth, and tell others"
and I can go on and on!

4. So my friends can sit with me :)
It's nice when someone says "Hey, y'all go to Church of the Highlands?"
"Yes! We do!"
"We are thinking of trying it out? When do y'all go?"

And then the convo goes from there. It's much less intimidating to go to church for the first time, if you already have friends there!

Yes! We do! Come sit with us!
It makes a big church---become a small church!

So, I challenge you....dear reader! Don't keep your church-going to yourself! Check-in! Share the good news! Invite a friend! I mean...they just might take you up on it!