Saturday, February 5, 2011

This is the day...that the Lord has made!

(February 7,1999)

Last night, I found this picture...Mason drew...the night before Elijah's funeral.

Here's the BEST part....we had not told him yet. He knew Mommy was sick. But...he had no idea what had happened. He came home from church that night...(quite honestly, I don't even remember how he got to church and much of that is a blur)....and he brought me this picture. So proud. I asked him what it meant. He said he couldn't wait to teach Elijah about God............little did he know, Elijah was already in the arms of Jesus.

Oh, when I think back to the moment we told rips me to the pit of my stomach again.

Every year, I have great plans for my self...and my mental state....and if I go back and read thru my posts from previous years...on February seems like a skipped record.

I am not having a "woe is me" party...and I am not just drowning in my sorrows...but really just more of a "why me?" or a "why not let him stay?" kind of party. A little party I tend to have all by myself. Those kinds of parties are not really fun. Anyways.

But, as I was re-watching the Angie Smith video that I posted yesterday....that song motivated me....what an honor to carry him. What an honor that God trusted me so much with this grief. He knew that I couldn't really "handle" it....but he knew that I would. Thank you, Lord.

And, you know, that video is so true. There were so many little dreams I had for us. So many things I wanted to do. I had dreams while he was in my belly of all that we would be as a family. How much he and Mason would play. So many things.

But, I never dreamed that life 12 years later would still be so full of emotions. And, life would be so full...full of life. Full of love. Just full.

So, I spent most of yesterday and last night, scanning in old pictures, and strolling down memory lane. And, I am so so so glad I did.

It made me realize that I am so blessed.

Although I don't have sweet Elijah here (and when I even think of it, quite honestly--I ache).....I have so much more than I deserve. I have life so full. So...I spent some time...not mourning....but smiling.....I scanned all of these in...and put them to a gentle reminder....even though it is not what *I* had planned....God has blessed me in ways I could not have even dreamed.

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